Shame. We all have it. None of us want to talk about it. The less we talk about it, the bigger the burden gets. The bigger the burden gets, the more it defines our actions and ways we show up in the world. Brene Brown has begun the critical dialogue about shame, so we may be familiar with her working definition stating that shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. To date, this is the best way to use words to explain shame.
This feeling is absolutely annihilating to our parts, making them believe our survival is at risk. Because of this intensity, our reactive parts, known as firefighters, go to great lengths to do whatever necessary to put out this all-consuming threat. Even if that means going against our values, eclipsing Self and making things worse. These parts seek relief from this intensely painful narrative of being unworthy with the positive intention of keeping us alive, even if their actions have a tendency to ruin things.
Our protectors orient themselves loyally to our exiled younger, wounded parts that carry the pain of shame and hold the burden of worthlessness. These protectors work diligently to avoid this pain by whatever means necessary, either proactively or reactively. This cycle of the burden of shame in our system paired with the actions we take to counter the threatening pain it causes acts like a self-perpetuating machine that is kerosene to the very shame we are desperately trying to avoid. It ends up just getting driven even deeper and making the wound septic.
While our protectors try to avoid the experience of shame by managing or reacting impulsively to it, our exiles often have a different strategy. They either get smaller or try to take things into their own hands by seeking redemption. They crave being saved by the external world as a means of atonement for the burden that was handed down to them that never belonged to them in the first place. Being that the burden of shame was handed down to the exile at such a young age, and most commonly from someone who should have been a safe and predictable attachment point, our exiles believe this false narrative of being flawed, not enough or unlovable.
In our exiles immature thought process, which functions at the developmental age at which the burden was acquired (which is usually really young), believe, “if only…”. If only I can fix the way I feel about myself by getting the love or attention or control of someone else then I will be ok. Then I will be safe. Then I will be in control. Then I will be complete. Then my wound will finally be healed. Then I won’t hurt so, so bad. As a result, these parts have a tendency to place us into the same relationship patterns or behaviors in which the shame began, ones that are unpredictable, unsafe and ultimately abusive, all as a means of proving that if this person who is a symbolic place holder to the one who handed this shame down, will love me, it means I am finally lovable, after all this time. This then often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where the narrative of worthlessness and the experience of shame is only reinforced.
To help bring this to light, some ways that shame can manifest through our protective system can take the form of perfectionism; dissociation; control; addiction; people pleasing; withdrawal or avoidance; rescuing; self-harm; suicidal ideation; depression; anxiety; abusive, critical judgement towards oneself or intense judgement of others. The nature of our exiles is to stay hidden, so the one side of the spectrum looks like them shutting down and staying unseen. Whereas on the other end, when the exile has grown weary of this, they may seek redemption through unhealthy relationships and behaviors to include self-sacrifice; saying yes rather than no; betraying Self to appease someone else; co-dependency; staying in toxic relationships too long or indiscriminate sexual relationships; None of these means will give the desired outcome of alleviating the wound of shame, despite the diligent effort of our internal system. These examples are not exhaustive ways in which our protectors and exiles seek relief from shame but name a handful of strategies to begin thinking about.
The depth and magnitude of shame’s impact can be absolutely overwhelming when we recognize how it has been driving our lives. When we are able to unblend from these parts enough and see things more clearly from Self, there can be a flooding of grief that emerges based on how this has defined and impacted our way of being in the world.
We have been brainwashed to believe that the only way out of the burden of shame is through feeling love from someone else or by external means. Please hear this, feelings of shame are not healed or relieved outside of our system. They are healed from within. As Richard Schwartz says, “you are the one you’ve been waiting for”. Self-Compassion is the answer. We have everything we need right now to heal and be our own steadfast, loving attachment point. We are as worthy as we will ever be in this moment and there is no prerequisite to make us more worthy or deserving of love.
Thankfully, there is freedom from the burden of shame and a way out. It starts by creating awareness around these parts, building trust with them and extending compassion towards their positive intent. Once permission from our protectors has been granted, we can begin the healing process of our exiles to include witnessing their pain, retrieving them and unburdening them. This is when sustainable transformation occurs within our system and our lives no longer are dictated by the narrative of shame.
This rich work is so worth it and you deserve it.