‘Tis the season to start making New Year’s resolutions. Lose weight. Eat clean. Go to bed earlier. Meditate. Less screen time. Limit sugar. No alcohol. Begin the emotional healing that’s been put off for decades. Read more self-help books. Journal. Embrace gratitude. Learn a new language. Save money. Fold laundry right out of the dryer. And the list goes on and on and on. These resolutions take fanciful, grandiose, magical flight only to come crashing down a few days or weeks after their inaugural take off. Why? It’s because the way we’ve been going at resolutions is bogus.
So, if parts of you feel deflated after my truth telling, don’t let them go rushing off to ease your discomfort by engaging in any of the behaviors you resolved to cutting cold turkey come January 1. There is hope! The reason resolution and intention setting are bogus is because we’ve been doing it all wrong.
Historically, what shakes out is we begin reflecting on our past year as we see it in the rearview mirror. Most of the time only paying attention to the speed bumps or areas that we wish we would’ve done better. This often creates a flood of emotions and thoughts that avalanche over us making parts of us feel shame, grief, guilt, lazy, disgust, sadness, failure, judgment and so forth. These emotions then catalyze our system to act and behave in certain ways to dispel the intolerable feelings. Some of us may throw in the towel entirely and say to heck with doing better, allowing those parts free reign to indulge in their favorite means of numbing or some of us will have parts that show up with such strong judgement that it motivates us to do better. Let’s call them the shoulding committee. “You should finally (insert whatever you say to yourself here)…” “You should do more…” “You should do less…” Sound familiar? And, if you’re anything like me, you may have both types of parts, which causes an internal war.
All of these parts are welcome and have a positive intent. But for today, we’re really going to focus on the shoulding committee. I love these parts as they often get us off the couch and get us moving with some motivation or momentum. They get stuff done. Sadly though, they often do this with shame or judgment as the motivator. Neither of which work for any sustainable change in behaviors. These parts usually are the ones influencing and writing our New Year’s resolutions. They’ve been creating resolutions as best as they can with the rudimentary skills that they have and we go along with it because they all sound good. They sound helpful, beneficial and like things we should do, perhaps unaware until now, that they are only destined to fail. The reason for this is because they’re only coming from parts of us, we don’t have buy in from our whole system. If we don’t have our entire system’s consent to the resolution, there is no way any of these well intended changes will be long term. Some of our other parts may even think these “great ideas” and intentions are crap and in fact they hate the notion, which can cause them to backlash against the resolution fueling sabotage, because we didn’t get them on board or hear their opinion.
The shoulding committee can be a bit wily and hard to grasp because they often feel Self-like. They’ve done such a good job managing our lives that we sometimes can’t tell them as parts and think they are just who we are. That’s where unblending from these parts is essential to get Self back online to see who is really setting the resolution. Parts or Self? Knowing the difference can be tricky and takes some turning in to get clear. If the resolution is coming from a part of us, then Self isn’t the one leading. When parts are doing all the heavy lifting and Self is being eclipsed and left out of the equation, there won’t be meaningful change that lasts.
This is where the offering of hope comes in. We’re all born with this bigger than us essence that is steadfast and omnipresent…Self. When we nurture some critical mass of this life changing energy, it will always lead us into the best course of action. It knows the roadmap. Always. Remembering the 8 Cs of Self can really be helpful to point us in the right direction when we feel lost or are unsure as to who is in charge. Self is the birthplace of change and living authentically. It ushers us through the world with love and courage. That there is all we need to show up and be how we really want to not how parts of us believe we should.
We all already have everything we need to enter this new year without shoulding on ourselves to be better. By allowing Self to navigate the direction of our internal and external life, in theory, we won’t even need to make any resolutions because our parts will have a predictable leader that they can begin to trust and as a result, change will organically follow. This will provide the sustainable evolution that our system has been craving and unsuccessfully attempting to achieve each new year.
Being Self-led with our “resolutions” doesn’t mean entering the new year passively, hoping that this cool sounding essence shows up, there are some things we can do to nurture it, helping it to shine as radiantly as possible as a beacon for us in 2022. If you’re curious about exploring more sustainable change, here are some exercises to assist entering the new year being Self-led rather than having part driven resolutions.
Instead of letting parts focus on the speed bumps and areas that we “should” do better, start paying more attention to the areas of progress, growth, glimmers of Self, moments of love (towards self and others). These should not be reserved for moments of perfection…we are aspiring towards glimmers and mini-moments of Self. Write them down. Often. Daily is preferred,
Give your shoulding committee the attention it deserves. Really try to have Self stay as the translator of this exercise on behalf of the shoulding committee. Allow them their voice by having Self write down all the things they believe you should do this year. What are their ideal goals for you? For example: Writing it this way…A part of me believes that I should engage in a daily breathing practice. Rather than, I should engage in a daily breathing practice. There is a huge difference when we speak for our parts rather than as them.
If you find parts showing up that begin beating yourself up, slow down, get some space from them and ask them for some distance.
If genuine, offer thanks to your parts for sharing.
Still in Self, take a look at the ideas that your shoulding committee has offered. See if you can honor and have gratitude for the positive intention behind each of them. If any really land with your whole system, peeking curiosity, see what it would be like to actually pursue that idea/resolution from Self. Are there any parts that have concerns about the resolution? What is the energy behind the resolution, is it clean or dirty? For example...the resolution of doing more deliberate movement: Are there any parts who hate this? If so, connect with them and hear their side. What is the intention behind the resolution? Is it to look better and fit into a certain size or is it to honor and take care of this amazing vessel of a body that is a gift? If the whole system consents and Self is the one leading, perhaps the change may be worth pursuing or exploring more deeply.
Allow Self to truly be the author of what is best for your system this new year. You can even use the 8 Cs (curiosity, courage, connection, compassion, calm, clarity, confidence, creativity) to assist by spending some dedicated time with each C focusing on elements of what it means to you and your system and living by them. Start bringing them into your daily life in ways that are organic and sincere. That there is some super change! If we all did that, the world would be a different place.
There is immense power in being Self led, for ourselves and for the world at large. Never doubt that for a second. I am so grateful for you joining me on this journey and I wish you and your parts a safe and Self driven 2022.